How I Learned To Be a Team Player (In Parenting)

            The routine that my son Finn and I had slipped into was working out quite well.  We had our park, snack, and nap down to a science.   It was a schedule that both of us were thriving on.  Sure we had some ups and downs; the food throwing, the running away from me at the park, and the bout with early rising, just to name a few.   

            
            Around his second birthday, Finn’s little sister arrived.  With open arms we welcomed a cute little girl to our apartment full of toy trucks and soccer balls.  As a special treat for her brother, Georgina had decided to join our family just a few hours after her big brothers 2nd birthday.   What a nice present!  Not only were we excited about getting to know this new addition, but also the idea of having Mommy home from work for almost 4 months was quite appealing to the both of us.

This was going to be great!  Getting settled into our new life with no concerns of work or other outside distractions.  It was just our family, figuring out the new routine.  I imagined us eating huge breakfasts, taking slow walks in the park, and even Finn changing his sister’s diaper.  I have a very strong and hopeful imagination.

Back in reality, our whole structure was changing; it was no longer just Finn and I in our comfortable, reliable routine.  It was now Mom and Dad and this new baby around all the time.  This was a big challenge for me.  I found myself still trying to maintain the title of primary caregiver.  My male ego was in full bloom.  After all, I was not on leave from my job.  Food still needed to be cooked, laundry continued to get dirty and most of all, our son needed to be looked after.  He had just turned two and was really into testing the boundaries.   

              Once my wife was back on her feet and fully recovered, things started to get a little confusing.  By not letting her have an active part in the care giving, it was creating some unnecessary tension between us.  I found myself repeating everything that she had said to our son.  As if he would listen better because it came from me, the person he was used to being around the most.  I wasn’t sharing any of the care giving, trying to do everything myself.  I do not have control issues; I just don’t like putting people out.

             Halfway through the summer, I had reached the breaking point. Something had to give, I couldn’t continue to ignore the help that my wife was offering while I was selfishly trying to tackle everything myself.  The only way that we were going to be able to embrace this new reality was for me to change as well.  It began slowly with little things, like sharing tubby time and having Mom handle some discipline without me butting in to “help”.   She was more than willing to take on her share and then some.

                 Amazingly, things started getting easier.  I needed to deflate my ego and learn how we could work together towards a common goal- what’s best for the kids, and what’s best for us.  I found out that accepting help didn’t make me any less of a man.  It’s an important value to pass on…we can’t do everything and asking for help is ok. 

This is cross-posted on www.nycdadsgroup.com

Book Review: Beyond The Sling By: Mayim Bialik, PhD

Mayim Bialik, best known for her role as Blossom Russo in the 1990's sitcom Blossom and most recently her role as Amy Farrah Fowler on The Big Bang Theory, has written a new book about her adventurous life in attachment parenting.  The 36-year-old mother of two— Miles, 6½, and Frederick, 3½— has earned her BS and a PhD in neuroscience from UCLA.

In her book, “Beyond the Sling: A Real-Life Guide to Raising Confident, Loving Children the Attachment Parenting Way”, Mayim sheds some light on attachment parenting, a philosophy and lifestyle popularized by well-known physicians like Dr. William Sears and Dr. Jay Gordon.  She uses her personal experiences to bring to life the day-to-day workings, for better or worse, of attachment parenting.  This approach is not for everyone, and Mayim would be the first to admit it.  Whether you are a new parent, or have a few years under your belt, you will have no problem finding this book helpful and insightful.

Using both her experience as a mother and her scientific background, Mayim’s book discusses the key factors of attachment parenting including:

CO-SLEEPING
How to avoid “sleep training” and get a great night’s sleep for the whole family

BREASTFEEDING
Learn how to listen to your baby’s cues rather than sticking to a rigid schedule

BABY WEARING
How to “wear” your baby in a sling or a wrap to develop a closer bond with your child

GENTLE DISCIPLINE
How to get your child to behave without yelling, threats, or time-outs

Historically, attachment parenting has focused more on the relationship between the mother and the baby.  But what about the Dads?   With breast feeding being one of the main items that most attachment parenting advocates focus on and physically the fathers in these situations are not able to fully participate.  What do we, who are biologically unable to fulfill that part of this parenting style, take away from this book?  For me, it was the gentle discipline section.  Mayim offers some great tips regarding time-outs, "because I said so" moments and violence.  At the the back of the book is a helpful resources section, making more information easy to obtain.  

If you are curious about, interested in, or even against attachment parenting, you should read this book.  Like all books on parenting, you take what works for you and your family.   There is no book that will solve "once and for all" parenting concerns such as sleep and feeding.  Mayim states it quite well - this book is about "empowering you to make the best choices for your kids".

“Beyond the Sling: A Real-Life Guide to Raising Confident, Loving Children the Attachment Parenting Way” (Touchstone / Simon & Schuster) by Mayim Bialik is available now.


More on attachment parenting from Wikipedia:

Eight principles of attachment parenting

1. Preparation for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting
2. Feed with Love and Respect
3. Respond with Sensitivity
4. Use Nurturing Touch
5. Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally
6. Provide Consistent Loving Care
7. Practice Positive Discipline
8. Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life

Criticisms and controversies of attachment parenting

1. Strenuous and Demanding on Parents. One criticism of attachment parenting is that it can be very strenuous and demanding on parents. Without a support network of helpful friends or family, the work of parenting can be difficult. Writer Judith Warner contends that a “culture of total motherhood”, which she blames in part on attachment parenting, has led to an “age of anxiety” for mothers in modern American society. Sociologist Sharon Hays argues that the “ideology of intensive mothering” imposes unrealistic obligations and perpetuates a “double shift” life for working women.
2. Not Supported by Conclusive Research. Another criticism is that there is no conclusive or convincing body of research that shows this labor-intensive approach to be in any way superior to what attachment parents term “mainstream parenting” in the long run.
   
3. Co-Sleeping. The American Academy of Pediatrics’s policy SIDS prevention opposes bed-sharing with infants (though it does encourage room-sharing). The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission also warns against co-sleeping Attachment Parenting International issued a response which stated that the data referenced in the Consumer Product Safety Commission statement was unreliable, and that co-sponsors of the campaign had created a conflict of interest.
4. Non-DSM Definition of Reactive Attachment Disorder. Attachment Parenting International (API) utilizes an attachment therapy resource (Peachtree Attachment Resources) to define reactive attachment disorder, which claims the criteria are based on the DSM-IV. Attachment therapy definitions and symptoms lists of RAD have been criticized as being very different to DSM-TR criteria and as being “non-specific”, producing a high rate of “false-positives”,and “wildly inclusive”.
   
5. Ambiguities in usage. A form of parenting called attachment parenting is sometimes used as an adjunct to attachment therapy.The term “attachment parenting” is increasingly co-opted by proponents of controversial techniques conventionally associated with attachment therapy such as Nancy Thomas,whose AP methods differ from those of William Sears.

Do you need a Sleep Coach?

 

Christina Gantcher from Good Night Sleep Coaching works with parents of children ages 0-6 for a good nights sleep.  Last Wednesday, Christina found herself in the basement "meeting room" of a upper west side apartment building full of about 10 guys munching on wings and drinking cold "beverages".  Not your typical sleep class audience, but then again, we are anything but typical.  She was the guest speaker for the NYC dads group.   Most of us are the primary care givers of our children, myself included, while some where part time, but all were involved dads, wanting to learn more about sleep. Well, how to get more of it.

She talked.

We listened.
Here are some of the my notes:

Sleeping brain is still awake, still working.

Falling asleep is a learned skill.

Quality of sleep has a direct relation to our ability to attend or “be present” in daily activities. 

3-4 months we begin non-REM sleep (sleep cycles)

In transitioning from cycle to cycle we have partial arousal where the body wakes up.

During milestones, sleep disturbances are a given.

Missing “windows” or the right time to sleep, the body releases Cortisol (a bump in energy supplies) and the body wakes up. 

Wait 45-1 hr. to try for another “window”.

Look for clues that may not always be noticeable to signify sleep time.

Consistency is the key to success.

Nap time you really want two 45-minute sleep cycles.  So at least a 1.5-hour nap is very good.

Early rising –             

                        1.   Too late bedtime.

2.     Nap Deprivation

3.     The nap/ bedtime gap is too short

4.     Inconsistent response.  (some mornings you bring them into bed, some you get up, some you watch TV. etc.)

Her solution to sleep troubles:  “Sleep Lady Shuffle”

Over the course of several nights “fading” out of the room as to teach the child how to sleep.

Then we talked.

She listened.

While each of us had our own unique issues, somehow I left the "lecture" feeling more connected to the other dads in the room.  We were all looking to learn more and by the end of it, we did.  If you want to learn more, I encourage you to contact Christina Gantcher at goodnightsleepcoaching.com

Finn's Birthday Pulled Pork Sandwiches

Here's a relatively easy recipe that the whole family will enjoy...

3 Tablespoons, canola oil

4lbs., cut into 3 equal pieces, boneless pork shoulder

1 finely chopped yellow onion

3/4 cup, Cider Vinegar

3/4 cup, Ketchup
1/3 cup, firmly packed, Brown sugar

1/4 cup, Molasses

1 Tablespoons, Worcestershire sauce

2 Teaspoons, Red pepper flakes

1 Teaspoon, Dry mustard

Salt and pepper

Soft sandwich rolls of choice.

Makes 6-8 servings

1. Brown the pork

       In large frying pan over medium high heat warm the oil.  Add the pork and brown on all sides, about 12 minutes total.  Transfer to a Dutch oven or Slow cooker.

2. Make the sauce and cook the pork.

       Pour off all but about 1 tablespoon fat from pan and return to medium high heat.  Add onion and sauté until golden, about 5 minutes.  Add the vinegar and stir to scrape up the browned bits on the pan bottom.  Stir in the ketchup, brown sugar, molasses, Worcestershire sauce, red pepper flakes, mustard and 1 teaspoon each of salt and pepper.  Cook, stirring, just until the mixture begins to bubble.  Pour over pork.  If using a Dutch oven, cover and cook over medium heat, turning occasionally, until tender, about 2 hours.  If using a slow cooker, cover and cook on the high heat setting for about 4-5 hours or the low heat setting for 8-10 hours.

3. Shred the pork and serve.

       Transfer the pork to a platter.  Using 2 forks, pull the pork to shreds, discarding any large pieces of fat.  Skim the fat from the sauce.  Return the pork to the sauce and stir to combine.  

Serve the pork and sauce with rolls and let the diners assemble their own sandwiches.

Enjoy!  Bryan

A good day. A normal day.

Today was a good day.  Does that mean that tomorrow will be a good day?  Maybe.  Who's got time to think about tomorrow?  I'm too busy basking in the glow of a day that was, well,  good.

Worst part? I'm not really too sure I know what made it a good day.   Looking back, we didn't  do anything particularly "out of the ordinary".  It's not like we went to the zoo.  In fact, I think it was probably a little dull today, what with food shopping, and the same old visit to Carl Schurz park.  Finn was actual a bit too peppy for my taste.  For him, everything was fun and exciting.  He was making friends, sharing toys, the whole deal.  While I sat quietly on the bench drinking a cup of coffee, Finn was off growing up.


With the new baby coming in a couple of months, it nice having these just normal days.  Although at times they can be grinding and repetitive.  I mean, how many times can I say, "We don't feed the dog!", "Sit down in that chair, on your bottom, Mr!" and "Say help, please if you need something".  We all get worn out, at any job.  But those days where the schedule works, the stomachs are full, the legs are tired, and tomorrow, to us and them, is exciting, are always welcome.

The art of toddler diaper changes

Who wants to walk around in a poopy diaper?  Not anyone I know.   Oh wait, yes, my 21 month old son, Finn.  How could I forget?  I suppose it is not that he prefers the dirty diaper to a clean one, but that he just doesn't have time to slow down for a change.  Around every corner is a new discovery, a new experience unfolding before his eyes.  Who has time to stop and stare at the ceiling while someone wipes and cleans you?  Hmm, sounds pretty good to me.

Here's the play by play: with one arm I am able to hold him down while off come the pants.  Then the legs start kicking.  You have to watch out for a stray leg.  Although small, toddlers have strong legs and are willing to show you what you what it really means to "kick".

Next come the diapers.  Who knows whats lurking beneath those two tabs that hold the diaper together?  The nose knows!  This is a stinky one.  So now, not only do we have squirm dog millionaire kicking and screaming, but also a loaded diaper?  When will it end?  In about 16 years, if you push for an out of state college.  Back to the mess...

Not sure about other kids, but my son can randomly end up with horrible diaper rash, seemingly coming from nowhere.  So bad, that sometimes a soak in tepid water, and a hair dryer on cold air to completely dry his bum is not only good, but quite necessary.  Using a cup of lukewarm water and dipping the wipe in it helps to soothe the burn that comes from "gentle wipes".

Once he is clean and dry, I quickly move to the new diaper.  Timing is everything now.  Having the diaper handy and not in some drawer will help to shave off valuable seconds that could mean the difference between a quick change, or a long drawn-out search for a diaper while the little one runs around the house half naked.  Although for some diaper rash, these fresh air, non-diaper moments are just what the rear end needs.

Finally, after a diaper is in position, the cream is applied.  I am a fan of the thick and often technique.  (Does anyone have a home recipe for diaper rash cream?)  A classic move is of course the wiggle that causes a liberal application of cream to the inner thigh.  I quickly ignore this, apply another layer in the correct spot, then after securing the diaper, clean up the leg.  It's all about staying with the plan, change that diaper, everything else is just details.

Some kids outgrow this battle quite quickly, for others it continues to some extent until potty learning is complete.  My son hasn't quite decided to give the potty a chance yet.  So for now, the battle wages on and once everything is said and done, he is a lot happier playing with trucks when he is nice and clean- he just doesn't know it yet.