Technology and Parenting.

Unlike my kids, who knew how to open my iPhone before they were able to speak, I was not raised with technology.
We had a family computer with a huge, boxy screen in the corner of the room that resembled a cream colored octopus with cords everywhere but that was about it. Oh, and the garage door. We could open the garage door by remote. Pretty cool.
Jump ahead to 2013.
The ability to change any surface into a touch screen has revolutionized how we exist. Everything no longer is just what it is, it is “smart.” Smart cars, smart houses, smart watches. When will our mirrors finally reach their full potential and bring more to the table then just a reflection?
Of course, there’s our smartphones. They do so much more than just call someone. (And who wants to talk anyways?) Now we text, Snapchat, Instagram and Vine for all our silly human needs. Gone are books, newspapers and library cards. To think, I used to write letters. Ha! I could never have imagined this even a few years ago when I still bought CDs. 
I, for one, am very rarely without my smartphone. It is really nice how a couple of taps of the old thumb can connect me to a world that sometimes seems so far, far away. Especially after a morning of toy trucks, dolls and tea parties.
Naturally, the second I look at my little colorful screen, both kids pounce. It takes a real conscious effort to put that gadget away. You would be surprised how many times we automatically reach for our phones when we are bored. It's just so easy, a natural extension of the arm almost. Just a few taps on the screen, and I'm watching a short clip on the dangers of climbing Mt. Everest while I change a dirty diaper. Quite exciting.
But I'm trying to lead by example. Technology has a time and a place in our lives and we must control it. We can help our kids by showing that these devices are not the center of our lives. In being "connected" to our phones, email, Internet, stock portfolios, breaking news events and sports updates, to name a few, we are actually becoming more disconnected from the things that matter most -- our families, ourselves and society. It's not going to get any easier as this generation is being raised with technology being an integrated part of their lives.

Lately, I have been leaving my phone in the charger all day. Sort of like being demoted to a landline. Bad phone, you are taking all my attention away from, well, life. It was strange, but after a while I found myself more engaged in the moment -- better connected to things around me. It's a nice place to be with little kids.

Summer

I imagine that most of us try to recreate those classic summer memories that we so cherish. After all, my kids will love swimming in a freezing cold river in New Hampshire's White Mountains, right?

Maybe.

Probably not.

As my kids -- ages 3 and 1 -- get older, I realize that my experiences and memories are just that, mine. Trying to recreate what we enjoyed growing up is not the way to make memories for our kids.

Amazingly enough, I find the best way is to just let those moments happen. We need to allow them to make their own memories. You can do your best to create a perfect vacation, but the most important thing is being together and sharing time away from the normal routine.

So this summer, I'm gonna worry less about big plans and perfection and instead try to enjoy the simple joys of being together. Sharing time with those we love and care about - that's the perfect summer day.

Wall Street Journal Article: Mr. Mom is Dead.

I was fortunate to take part in Sue Shellenbarger's most recent article on Stay at Home Dads...Enjoy!

Wall Street Journal Article
 

Poblem Solving

In Choices for Children, Why and How to Let Students Decide, Alfie Kohn writes, "The way a child learns how to make decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions."

It's never too early to start allowing our children to develop the important skill of problem solving. One of the key components in problem solving is, of course, having a problem to solve. Not to worry, throughout the course of a day, both my eight month old and my two and a half year old have no trouble finding problems. Phrases like, "No, I don't like that", "Help, I'm stuck!", and my personal favorite, complete with a generous portion of whining, "I can't get it!!" are all too familiar. Not to mention the sweet simplicity of a cry from a frustrated baby trying to reach a small chewable giraffe. We have no shortage of problems in this household. In fact, to the untrained eye, one could surmise that our day consists of a series of problems loosely held together by a reliable routine.

Now that Winter has descended upon us, I am trying to take advantage of the recent unseasonably nice weather we have been having and get outside before the real cold temps set in. Finn, my oldest, and I, were playing a game of "hang the old milk carton crate on the tree and try to throw a ball in it" (Naismith would have been proud) and the following ensued:

Daddy's turn, I took a shot, miss.
Finn's turn, miss.
Daddy's turn, miss. What?
Daddy's turn again, made it!
I easily get the ball out of the crate, as Finn says "oh yeah!" like I just slam dunked over Ewing.
Finn's turn, makes it!
He walks over to the basket, barely reaching the bottom.
"I can't get it! Daddy get it! Finn can't get it!!"

It's true, he couldn't get it.

Houston, we have a problem.

Cue the frantic two and half year old that wants his ball back. Action!

Here comes the difficult part, having the patience, and the time, to allow for the "solving" to occur. This is when we must be careful not to step in too soon. If you pay attention to what your child is trying to do, you'll have a pretty good idea of when to intervene. Even then, simply offering advice, or a tool is sufficient. Helping to problem solve can teach our kids how to find solutions and think about obstacles in different ways. But it is important to give them the time to work it out themselves, to struggle a little. It's a slight shift from frustration to "let me try and figure this out". It's an important shift that must be developed over time. Learning how to deal with frustration and being able to let that fuel problem solving is an invaluable life skill.

Back to Madison Square Backyard...
After complaining and begging for help, Finn began to think about what he needed to do. He grabbed the stool that he uses to wash his hands at the sink and carried it over, climbed up, and got the ball.

"Finn's turn!"

How easy would it have been for me to just get the ball for him? But who really benefits from me solving the problem? What we parents have to realize is that they are going to make mistakes, many mistakes, and it is all part of the process. The process of growing up. They will put their shoes on backwards and write letters upside down. Our kids need opportunities to fail, so they can try for themselves to figure out what works and what doesn’t work. There is a solution. Once they starting looking for it, they will be developing problem solving skills and can begin appreciating their own success.

How I Learned To Be a Team Player (In Parenting)

            The routine that my son Finn and I had slipped into was working out quite well.  We had our park, snack, and nap down to a science.   It was a schedule that both of us were thriving on.  Sure we had some ups and downs; the food throwing, the running away from me at the park, and the bout with early rising, just to name a few.   

            
            Around his second birthday, Finn’s little sister arrived.  With open arms we welcomed a cute little girl to our apartment full of toy trucks and soccer balls.  As a special treat for her brother, Georgina had decided to join our family just a few hours after her big brothers 2nd birthday.   What a nice present!  Not only were we excited about getting to know this new addition, but also the idea of having Mommy home from work for almost 4 months was quite appealing to the both of us.

This was going to be great!  Getting settled into our new life with no concerns of work or other outside distractions.  It was just our family, figuring out the new routine.  I imagined us eating huge breakfasts, taking slow walks in the park, and even Finn changing his sister’s diaper.  I have a very strong and hopeful imagination.

Back in reality, our whole structure was changing; it was no longer just Finn and I in our comfortable, reliable routine.  It was now Mom and Dad and this new baby around all the time.  This was a big challenge for me.  I found myself still trying to maintain the title of primary caregiver.  My male ego was in full bloom.  After all, I was not on leave from my job.  Food still needed to be cooked, laundry continued to get dirty and most of all, our son needed to be looked after.  He had just turned two and was really into testing the boundaries.   

              Once my wife was back on her feet and fully recovered, things started to get a little confusing.  By not letting her have an active part in the care giving, it was creating some unnecessary tension between us.  I found myself repeating everything that she had said to our son.  As if he would listen better because it came from me, the person he was used to being around the most.  I wasn’t sharing any of the care giving, trying to do everything myself.  I do not have control issues; I just don’t like putting people out.

             Halfway through the summer, I had reached the breaking point. Something had to give, I couldn’t continue to ignore the help that my wife was offering while I was selfishly trying to tackle everything myself.  The only way that we were going to be able to embrace this new reality was for me to change as well.  It began slowly with little things, like sharing tubby time and having Mom handle some discipline without me butting in to “help”.   She was more than willing to take on her share and then some.

                 Amazingly, things started getting easier.  I needed to deflate my ego and learn how we could work together towards a common goal- what’s best for the kids, and what’s best for us.  I found out that accepting help didn’t make me any less of a man.  It’s an important value to pass on…we can’t do everything and asking for help is ok. 

This is cross-posted on www.nycdadsgroup.com

Book Review: Beyond The Sling By: Mayim Bialik, PhD

Mayim Bialik, best known for her role as Blossom Russo in the 1990's sitcom Blossom and most recently her role as Amy Farrah Fowler on The Big Bang Theory, has written a new book about her adventurous life in attachment parenting.  The 36-year-old mother of two— Miles, 6½, and Frederick, 3½— has earned her BS and a PhD in neuroscience from UCLA.

In her book, “Beyond the Sling: A Real-Life Guide to Raising Confident, Loving Children the Attachment Parenting Way”, Mayim sheds some light on attachment parenting, a philosophy and lifestyle popularized by well-known physicians like Dr. William Sears and Dr. Jay Gordon.  She uses her personal experiences to bring to life the day-to-day workings, for better or worse, of attachment parenting.  This approach is not for everyone, and Mayim would be the first to admit it.  Whether you are a new parent, or have a few years under your belt, you will have no problem finding this book helpful and insightful.

Using both her experience as a mother and her scientific background, Mayim’s book discusses the key factors of attachment parenting including:

CO-SLEEPING
How to avoid “sleep training” and get a great night’s sleep for the whole family

BREASTFEEDING
Learn how to listen to your baby’s cues rather than sticking to a rigid schedule

BABY WEARING
How to “wear” your baby in a sling or a wrap to develop a closer bond with your child

GENTLE DISCIPLINE
How to get your child to behave without yelling, threats, or time-outs

Historically, attachment parenting has focused more on the relationship between the mother and the baby.  But what about the Dads?   With breast feeding being one of the main items that most attachment parenting advocates focus on and physically the fathers in these situations are not able to fully participate.  What do we, who are biologically unable to fulfill that part of this parenting style, take away from this book?  For me, it was the gentle discipline section.  Mayim offers some great tips regarding time-outs, "because I said so" moments and violence.  At the the back of the book is a helpful resources section, making more information easy to obtain.  

If you are curious about, interested in, or even against attachment parenting, you should read this book.  Like all books on parenting, you take what works for you and your family.   There is no book that will solve "once and for all" parenting concerns such as sleep and feeding.  Mayim states it quite well - this book is about "empowering you to make the best choices for your kids".

“Beyond the Sling: A Real-Life Guide to Raising Confident, Loving Children the Attachment Parenting Way” (Touchstone / Simon & Schuster) by Mayim Bialik is available now.


More on attachment parenting from Wikipedia:

Eight principles of attachment parenting

1. Preparation for Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting
2. Feed with Love and Respect
3. Respond with Sensitivity
4. Use Nurturing Touch
5. Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally
6. Provide Consistent Loving Care
7. Practice Positive Discipline
8. Strive for Balance in Personal and Family Life

Criticisms and controversies of attachment parenting

1. Strenuous and Demanding on Parents. One criticism of attachment parenting is that it can be very strenuous and demanding on parents. Without a support network of helpful friends or family, the work of parenting can be difficult. Writer Judith Warner contends that a “culture of total motherhood”, which she blames in part on attachment parenting, has led to an “age of anxiety” for mothers in modern American society. Sociologist Sharon Hays argues that the “ideology of intensive mothering” imposes unrealistic obligations and perpetuates a “double shift” life for working women.
2. Not Supported by Conclusive Research. Another criticism is that there is no conclusive or convincing body of research that shows this labor-intensive approach to be in any way superior to what attachment parents term “mainstream parenting” in the long run.
   
3. Co-Sleeping. The American Academy of Pediatrics’s policy SIDS prevention opposes bed-sharing with infants (though it does encourage room-sharing). The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission also warns against co-sleeping Attachment Parenting International issued a response which stated that the data referenced in the Consumer Product Safety Commission statement was unreliable, and that co-sponsors of the campaign had created a conflict of interest.
4. Non-DSM Definition of Reactive Attachment Disorder. Attachment Parenting International (API) utilizes an attachment therapy resource (Peachtree Attachment Resources) to define reactive attachment disorder, which claims the criteria are based on the DSM-IV. Attachment therapy definitions and symptoms lists of RAD have been criticized as being very different to DSM-TR criteria and as being “non-specific”, producing a high rate of “false-positives”,and “wildly inclusive”.
   
5. Ambiguities in usage. A form of parenting called attachment parenting is sometimes used as an adjunct to attachment therapy.The term “attachment parenting” is increasingly co-opted by proponents of controversial techniques conventionally associated with attachment therapy such as Nancy Thomas,whose AP methods differ from those of William Sears.

Do you need a Sleep Coach?

 

Christina Gantcher from Good Night Sleep Coaching works with parents of children ages 0-6 for a good nights sleep.  Last Wednesday, Christina found herself in the basement "meeting room" of a upper west side apartment building full of about 10 guys munching on wings and drinking cold "beverages".  Not your typical sleep class audience, but then again, we are anything but typical.  She was the guest speaker for the NYC dads group.   Most of us are the primary care givers of our children, myself included, while some where part time, but all were involved dads, wanting to learn more about sleep. Well, how to get more of it.

She talked.

We listened.
Here are some of the my notes:

Sleeping brain is still awake, still working.

Falling asleep is a learned skill.

Quality of sleep has a direct relation to our ability to attend or “be present” in daily activities. 

3-4 months we begin non-REM sleep (sleep cycles)

In transitioning from cycle to cycle we have partial arousal where the body wakes up.

During milestones, sleep disturbances are a given.

Missing “windows” or the right time to sleep, the body releases Cortisol (a bump in energy supplies) and the body wakes up. 

Wait 45-1 hr. to try for another “window”.

Look for clues that may not always be noticeable to signify sleep time.

Consistency is the key to success.

Nap time you really want two 45-minute sleep cycles.  So at least a 1.5-hour nap is very good.

Early rising –             

                        1.   Too late bedtime.

2.     Nap Deprivation

3.     The nap/ bedtime gap is too short

4.     Inconsistent response.  (some mornings you bring them into bed, some you get up, some you watch TV. etc.)

Her solution to sleep troubles:  “Sleep Lady Shuffle”

Over the course of several nights “fading” out of the room as to teach the child how to sleep.

Then we talked.

She listened.

While each of us had our own unique issues, somehow I left the "lecture" feeling more connected to the other dads in the room.  We were all looking to learn more and by the end of it, we did.  If you want to learn more, I encourage you to contact Christina Gantcher at goodnightsleepcoaching.com